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Posted by LifeInParadise on February 29, 2008, 6:48 pm
WOW--your post describes my situation EXACTLY! And yes, thank you Elle for your GREAT insight about what those types of behaviors can really mean! Most men (and some women) view this type of issue as she's just "insecure" and has "low self-esteem", but in my (and I'm sure other) situations, that's just not true. I can compliment an attractive female with no problem. I don't compare myself to them. I take good care of myself, work out, play sports and have been told I look 10 years younger than my real age, so no...I do not feel badly about myself at all. It's about R-E-S-P-E-C-T from my husband--and the fact that he has to LIE about doing it, and then say it's my "mis-interpretation" and that I'm "seeing things!" I KNOW THAT'S NOT IT! And, like your BF, having to be SLY about it--like we're so stupid and don't know what they're doing!
My situation is the opposite of yours--my husband is 10 years younger than me, but like you, we have been struggling with this issue for two years now, and can not even see the light at the end of the tunnel. We also avoid going out in public because of the almost always ensuing events that will occur--I mean, come on--HOW can you avoid seeing people of the opposite sex when you're out, watching a movie, TV, even taking a drive in the car! I know it's ridiculous to be so uncomfortable with each other--but if, as my husband claims, it doesn't mean anything to them, why are they having such a difficult time controlling their reactions to other women? Why is it necessary to look (and stare!) with interest? Why can't he just casually look?
We went to ONE counseling session--and I know you may need to try many counselors before giving up, but this counselor told me I was just "sensitive" to the issue and that I needed to gently ask him "do you love me" when I saw him getting caught up in the moment--because apparently my husband needed to be reminded that: 1) I'M HERE! and 2) YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME, REMEMBER? I know it's not a personal attack on me as a women and that it doesn't mean he wants to be with them, but then, WHY make your actions speak louder than words?
It's ironic that I found this post today--when I've decided to tell him tonight that he needs to fix HIS problem, or we can not be together...guess life's funny that way... Last year, when things were really bad, I actually became depressed about it--believing that it was all my fault and that I was really crazy! Not letting that ever happen again!!! This caused so much distrust in our relationship, due to his lying, that I cannot even believe him anymore when he says he loves me, and that I'm the only one for him, etc. It's amazing how what I thought was a small, simple thing, has now took on a life of its own...and believe me, I have analyzed this thing to the ground--am I over-reacting, am I seeing it rationally, am I giving him the benefit of the doubt, etc. Answers: NO, YES, and YES.
Good luck to you--hope you'll post again if you find any insight into the mysterious male mind! BE STRONG AND STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT--THINK WITH YOUR HEAD, NOT YOUR HEART (lessons I'm learning the hard way!!!)
WOW--your post describes my situation EXACTLY! And yes, thank you Elle for your GREAT insight about what those types of behaviors can really mean! Most men (and some women) view this type of issue as she's just "insecure" and has "low self-esteem", but in my (and I'm sure other) situations, that's just not true. I can compliment an attractive female with no problem. I don't compare myself to them. I take good care of myself, work out, play sports and have been told I look 10 years younger than my real age, so no...I do not feel badly about myself at all. It's about R-E-S-P-E-C-T from my husband--and the fact that he has to LIE about doing it, and then say it's my "mis-interpretation" and that I'm "seeing things!" I KNOW THAT'S NOT IT! And, like your BF, having to be SLY about it--like we're so stupid and don't know what they're doing!
My situation is the opposite of yours--my husband is 10 years younger than me, but like you, we have been struggling with this issue for two years now, and can not even see the light at the end of the tunnel. We also avoid going out in public because of the almost always ensuing events that will occur--I mean, come on--HOW can you avoid seeing people of the opposite sex when you're out, watching a movie, TV, even taking a drive in the car! I know it's ridiculous to be so uncomfortable with each other--but if, as my husband claims, it doesn't mean anything to them, why are they having such a difficult time controlling their reactions to other women? Why is it necessary to look (and stare!) with interest? Why can't he just casually look?
We went to ONE counseling session--and I know you may need to try many counselors before giving up, but this counselor told me I was just "sensitive" to the issue and that I needed to gently ask him "do you love me" when I saw him getting caught up in the moment--because apparently my husband needed to be reminded that: 1) I'M HERE! and 2) YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME, REMEMBER? I know it's not a personal attack on me as a women and that it doesn't mean he wants to be with them, but then, WHY make your actions speak louder than words?
It's ironic that I found this post today--when I've decided to tell him tonight that he needs to fix HIS problem, or we can not be together...guess life's funny that way... Last year, when things were really bad, I actually became depressed about it--believing that it was all my fault and that I was really crazy! Not letting that ever happen again!!! This caused so much distrust in our relationship, due to his lying, that I cannot even believe him anymore when he says he loves me, and that I'm the only one for him, etc. It's amazing how what I thought was a small, simple thing, has now took on a life of its own...and believe me, I have analyzed this thing to the ground--am I over-reacting, am I seeing it rationally, am I giving him the benefit of the doubt, etc. Answers: NO, YES, and YES.
Good luck to you--hope you'll post again if you find any insight into the mysterious male mind! BE STRONG AND STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT--THINK WITH YOUR HEAD, NOT YOUR HEART (lessons I'm learning the hard way!!!)