‘Twas the Week After Christmas

Christina E. Woodard is our second place winner for the LIVE Twisted Christmas Story Contest. Congratulations!

‘Twas the week after Christmas, when all thro’ the mall
Not a person was thankful, for nothing at all;
The stockings were stripped from their chimneys, no care,
In hopes that exchanges soon would be there;

The children were tucked-in all tight in their coats,
While visions of chocolates danc’d in their hopes;
And my roommate in her leggings, and I in my boots,
Stood in line waiting for a Chick-fil-A soup —

When out in the food court there arose such a clatter,
I sprang out of line to see what was the matter.
Away to Coastal Cookie I flew like a flash,
Tore through the crowd and pushed my way past.

The girl on the left of me let out a shriek
And off to Marshall’s we tore for a pre-sale sneak peak;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the best pair of shoes that I had seen there all year,

With a little old salesman, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment they must be the right fit.
More rapid than eagles his pricings they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Down! $20, Down! $30, down! $17, and $10,
On! Sale, on! Clearance, on! Bargain Bin;
To the front of the store! To the back of the wall!
Now shop away! Shop away! Shop away all!”

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up and down rows the shoppers they flew,
With their carts full of Toys — and a child or two:

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker
The pre-sale is over, it’s now worth the sticker!
As I drew in a sigh, and was turning around,
Down the walkway my roomie came with a bound:
She was dressed, “Oh, so basic,” from her head to her foot,
And her sacks were all stuffed with all she could put;
A bundle of coupons flung out of her purse,
And she look’d quite crazed as she began her search:

Her eyes — how they wandered! Her hands how they grabbed,
Her fingers were itching, I hoped no-one made her mad;
Her smart little mouth was drawn up like a bow.
And she chastised the shoppers who blocked every row;

The stump of a receipt she held tight in her teeth,
And the paper it encircled her head like a wreath.
She had a firm plan, and was determined like most,
To be the first in line, the other shoppers she’d roast.

She was quick and determined, a right jolly old elf,
And I laugh’d when I saw her in spite of myself;
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
And fill’d up our basket; then turn’d with a jerk,
And laying her finger on the counter in time
She checked out quite quickly and paid not more than a dime.

She sprung to her car, to me gave a whistle,
And away we both flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard her exclaim, ere she drove out of sight —
“Happy after-Christmas to all, know that I won that fight!”